The Lighter Side: Invasive Species

by ©Lee Pitts

Government officials say over 5,000 invasive species have infiltrated our ecosystem and our economy causing an estimated $120 billion in damages annually. Here’s my top ten list of invasive species in America today.

10. Fake Food– Remember the days when the great American barbecue consisted of a salad made with fresh fruits and vegetables from the garden, garlic bread drenched in real butter and a steak that would melt in your mouth? In many homes that’s been replaced by fruits and vegetables imported from Mexico or South America, fake butter on gluten free bread and a hamburger made by chemists in a laboratory.

9. NIMBY’s- These urbanites messed in their own nest and then move to the country, build gaudy houses, put up tall fences armed with security cameras and set about changing their new home into something more closely resembling the hell hole they couldn’t wait to leave.

8. PETA People- These ugly people don’t look anything like the beautiful movie stars you see on billboards promoting PETA whose private parts are partly covered in lettuce leaves. They urge Americans not to eat meat and break down crying on TV talk shows because hens don’t have reproductive rights. They believe that owning another live being is an act of violence yet you can usually spot these PETA people in public parks picking up the poop of their non-human animals.

7. Millenials- This is a relatively new invasive species that we’ve never seen before. They vote for Crazy Bernie, pile up huge debt getting a worthless college degree in the humanities so they can live at home with their parents while working part-time at Olive Garden.

6. Vegans and Vegetarians- They are gatherers from a prehistoric era who ate mostly berries and bark because they had not yet learned how to hunt and were unaware of the glorious taste of meat. You can recognize them by their emaciated bodies and grey pallor. They think soy is the answer to all the world’s ills.

5. Wolves- Although wolves are native to this country not so the species we are importing in bulk from Canada and Mexico. At their current rate of killing it won’t be long before deer, elk and cattle are on the endangered species list. Then their huge packs will come for joggers, bike riders and school kids. They are being introduced to rid the west of the despicable American rancher.

4. Climate Change Fanatics- A species descended from Paul Ehrlich, a Stanford professor who got rich off a book called The Population Bomb that predicted humans would be long gone from earth by now. Since we’re still here they needed a new Bible of doom so they made Al Gore rich by purchasing his book, An Inconvenient Truth. It similarly predicted our demise if we’d didn’t stop cows from passing gas, all start buying Smart Cars and buying stock in his green companies.

3. Illegal Immigrants- We’ve always welcomed people from foreign lands as long as they came to this country legally. What is now particularly invasive, especially along our southern borders, is an illegal version of the species that comes from Mexico and Central America. They travel in gangs and have killed and kidnapped Americans on southwestern ranches. They can easily be spotted in sanctuary cities that are quickly acquiring third-world country status.

2. Bureaucrats- This species can be seen driving around in green trucks in federal forests where they make sure no one cuts any illegal firewood so it can burn up later in out-of-control wildfires. They’ve been known to put ranchers in jail for five years for starting a firebreak to save their ranch while their own actions have caused fires from Hell to burn down entire towns. A subspecies dresses in SWAT gear, puts snipers on far hills and harasses private citizens until they commit suicide.

1. Politicians- Different from bureaucrats in that they don’t have to work for 25 years to get a pension and health benefits but can get a much better package for “serving” a single term in D.C. The deadliest of invasive species, it feeds off your taxes and is devouring our nation’s soul.

Lee Pitts lives in California and is a regular RANGE magazine contributor.

To order his great books, go to or call RANGE at 1-800-RANGE-4-U (726-4348)

2 thoughts on “The Lighter Side: Invasive Species

  1. I thought BARBEQUE was MEAT slow-cooked over good wood, not rabbit food. And when the world-wide population of “humans” was miniscule, the wolves ruled this Garden of Eden EFFECTIVELY allowing Nature to “stay the course’.

  2. Heck , ” Living ” is a fatal condition if you think bout it.

    Every species including humans are invasive.
    Till the day they are not. LoL

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